Friends

I am a one best friend kinda girl. I don’t believe that group friendships are genuine. I say this because of my current and my past experiences. Even if I were to say that group friendships do work, there has to be people in the group who are closer to each other than to the rest of the group. Girls talk shit, all the time. I have rarely come across girls who don’t gossip or talk shit, and these girls ended up being more damaging and somehow creepy. We all gossip. It’s because of this shitty society we live in. We say things, hear things, believe them and judge people without knowing THEIR truth.

Anyway, ironically I am “friends” with a group of girls. We are 4. Let me begin by saying this, we were not friends by choice. One of these girls is my cousin so she’s family. The rest are HER friends. So naturally, I am closer to her than the rest of the girls. It’s safe to say that she has been my best friend since we were really young and she is the most wonderful person I know. She is 2 years younger than me and so are the rest of the girls.

It’s worth mentioning that 3 years ago, I had my group of friends and my cousin had hers. We got them to meet and there we were. We were a group of 7. Today we are 4. Tomorrow, it will be just me and my cousin. This I know. However, years ago I did have other “friends”. I later found out that they were more corrupt than the Devil himself. Shit happens, this is life. We lose some we gain some. Same goes with people.

From the context of my writing you might think that I am unhappy and dissatisfied with the friends that I have now. You may be right. I long for something else. Maybe something out of this world? You see, with them, I have secrets. These secrets burden me in a way that you cannot imagine. I want to be with someone who will not judge me, who will not lie to me to impress me, and who will give me the attention that I need; when I need it. My cousin keeps calling me an “attention whore”, and every time she says this my soul breaks a little. I do not know why it hurts me so much. Maybe it’s because she is not there when I need her the most, even though she thinks that she is. She does not know that I try to avoid talking to her most of the time, but I keep running back to her because I have no one else. But then there are days where I broke down and was in need of desperate help, and yet called NHS emergency hotline instead of her when I was living abroad all alone. This is when I need your attention. When I am sad and lonely and depressed. There are days where I have called you crying my eyes out and you put me on hold to do something else, something less important. I do not feel important to you. There are days where I wished I could call an ex-friend instead of you. She would’ve listened. She wouldn’t have called me an attention whore. I do not want anyone’s attention. I just want to be able to reach out without feeling like a heavy burden on your shoulders. I don’t want to take much of your time. On second thoughts, I don’t want any of your time anymore. I do not want to ask for your attention when I need it, just so that you can call me an attention seeker weeks later. So here I am. Having no one to talk to when I feel like talking. Turning to blogging can maybe help me more than anyone could. What is the point of having friends if you cannot talk to them at your darkest hour of the night?

My fiancé keeps telling me that he is my best friend and that I do not need anyone else. He says this because I cry to him often about missing my ex-best friends and how they were so good at listening to me and relating to me. I share none of that with my current friends. They know nothing about me. NOTHING. They just know what I want them to know. But at the end of the day, will I rant about my fiancé to my fiancé when I need to?  You keep telling me that you don’t know anyone who complains about not having a friend as much as I do. And I keep telling you that everyone already has their someone, I don’t. And this is why you don’t hear anyone complaining about it the way I do. I want my someone too. Will I ever find her? And if I ever do, will she hurt me in the end just like everyone else?

Don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin to death. But she has been there when I’ve had my “friends”. It was always them, and then her. Years ago, in time of need I would speak to them about my troubles. But now, I do not have anyone else. And I cannot speak to the other girls in the group. I do not know them on that level. We look good in the car together, singing along to music. It’s fun going out to dinner with them. But that’s IT. We don’t share anything in common. Nothing. Nada.

To top this off, one the girls has been lying since the day we met. At first I thought it was cute because she would lie about a song that I would play in the car. What she would do is google the song’s lyrics and pretend to know the song just so I can feel like “oh! cool! you know this song too!” we’d have this song in common at least. She felt it too. But it keeps getting too far. And it just feels fake on top of fake. She just tries so hard. Why would you lie? And you know what, I just don’t care. I really don’t. Let me just end it here. I want a genuine friend.

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